i hold true to the fact
that not everything in life is fair.

so if not everything is fair,
then why does everything always happen for a reason?

Are the unjustly occurances that happen to the innocent
a happening of fate?
or is it just the undeserving getting lucky?

is fate ordained by God?
or is there no fate at all?
do we change our minds too many times to even say that fate controls our destiny?
ultimate question:
If there was fate then why would God create the people He knew where going to Hell?


seem fair?
well life isn't...

sweet dreams.

i am currently the girl that lies awake
spilling her inner most thoughts on this box that
which most of the words will end up miss typed.
but i guess thats just my style now-a-days.


its later than usual at this state of mind.
my head is relieved from the world
because i know that sleep is bound to come,
taking me away from this wretched place
and drifting me off into the imagination i call my dreams.
if only for a little while...

i will wake up in time
to put on the face i am unsure of
and walk out into the halls of the memories
i will probably forget in the long run...

so strap on tight,
cause the night is about to end.

when it storms
i think of what we could have been.
how you were the who was the one who knew i was afraid,
and you were the one that call months later to check and tell me it was ok.

its when it lightenings that i miss you the most,
but then my largest dream was the one that got shot down the hardest
and i was the one that fell
while you walked away.

only until now i stood back up
and redeemed myself


but then here comes the thunder again.

the vacation spot of a life time is right here in my room.
its the place where all of the distresses of the days are thrown in my floor,
shoved under the bed and in crevices where they can never be ruturned.
only in my room
can i cry my self to justify the worngs.
only in my room
can i completly be myself.
only in my room
have i echoed the real my soul from the inside out.
and only in my room
can my opinions become factual.


no one judges in my room
because i have no one to judge.

there is only me
in my perfect little sanctuary.
my room

the things i have learn in the past few months

is that worldy things do not satisfy.

the things that matter to a person are usually meaningless in the long run,
so why do they matter to begin with?

making sense of the extraordinary is not somthing easily explained
and can never be comprehended.

living an entire life on something you have never seen,
seems like an useless goal.
but we call it faith.


why are the questions in life so hard,
but we live by the answer?

living as someone you are not
is just selling yourself short of the potential you carry.

doing your best is most of the time not good enough
especially to the person who is better.

trying your hardest doesnt mean you suceeded.

your friend will let you down,
thats why you have God.

never let your heart be fooled by the sayings of another human.

sitting alone is not a bad thing,
it just means that your more dependent on yourself than others.

church is the one place that gets me away from the sin of the world.

even if there ends up being no God(which i know there will be)
i can say that he was the best imaginary friend i ever had.

the most important things are not finding love,
its loving yourself.

things that sparatically come in my mind are not words of wisdom
they are words of me.
what you say is your character.
how you dress puts you in an image that people classify.
your thoughts are heard by God.
what and who you are around is what you will become.
saving one more soul is all that God asks.




God Bless

"you were my lover and my bestfriend"
although not in reality
you were.

i missing my other half of my heart.
you took it with you when you left
and i am wondering if i will ever get it back again.


and quite honestly i dont mind if you keep it.just try not to break it in to a million peices
like the half i have.
casue the half i have is going to take a long time to put back together again.



so take care of my heart
it is in your hands.

you will keep it forever
cause you will always remain my love.

and when i said no matter what
i meant it then
and i mean it now.


so leave me to miss you
and i will be fine.

ok.
so i lost the true love.
the one that i adored the most.
i grinded down and did the thing that i thought impossible to do.
i fought the battle.
and now am not sure it was for the right reasons.

now i lay here
bitter and confused.
the thoughts streaming through my head
of the memories we shared
of the times we will keep.

you are and will be a part of me.
the emptiness inside of me is only for you.
you are the only one who can make me whole once more.

you were the happiness to my days
and i hope that you can only find the joy that you gave me for all of our days.

as time passes by
taking its sweet time

you will find the one whose shoes i could not fill,
and you will be looking at me as only a stepping stone
or a pebble tossed and sunk.
i will soon be forgotten in the rhelm of the passing.

but memories do not fade.
and neither will we.


we will still be apart of the history we made
as the incredibles.

the ones no one thought possible.

we achieved it baby,
and you will do it again.



i miss you already,
and i always will.


i wish you all the wonderful things that you deserve and more.
and i know you will find the one that is really the one.
i love you.
court.

down fall

we fall again.
down to the depths of the bottom of our hates.
i dont know how to help us anymore.
you give me no lead
and i have no where to follow this time.

maybe by the will of our God
we will stay together.

but that is the only way our fate can be intertwined.



its up to the Creator of the meaning of love.

Snow Day!

it was snowy when i woke up.
and i made myself a snowman.
he was cute.

i got wifi in my rooooommm!
chea.
talk about ammaaazzziiinnnggg.


today was good,
except for the fact that i didnt get to go to church this morning...

but i am going tonite...!!!!!



sorry i missed debate mr. hammond=(

better when we're together

we sit on the phone never knowing what the next word will be.
i antisipate your next move
and say something that will recover the current mood.
but my attempt fails
and we are back at square one.
where the silence is back over the converstaion.
and i am crying to myself
so you cant hear my insecurities.
you will never hear them.

and though they are loud
screaming in my head
these thoughts that over take my brain
you will never know.

because that would be the end.

and the end is not yet to come.




so we sit
and we wait.
you sigh,
and i guess thats a goodnight.

i will see you tomorrow.
tomorrow will be better i am sure?
i hope.

but that never gets me too far.


i can not ever seem to guess the mood that we will be in.
we need to step it up.

geeeezz.

well. lookie there.
i am procrastinating as usual.
i just really dont want to do my math project.
and i left my phone/purse/ipod/all that jazz at school.


great.
yeah, it stinks.




oowell.

along better

i say this in hopes that it stays like this.
i want nothing more than to be happy
and that is exactly where i am now.
today was good.
we are progressing.
it seems like theres been a slight cliff that we have totally plunged off of.
but were steadily making our way back up there.
it takes time.
but it just so happens that we are amazing
and i know it.
thats how we are going to make it baby.

just like that.
we are going to keep striving to get us back to the days when we were the perfect ones.
and that is where we are going to stay.

we=forever.
endofstory.

valentine for today love?

will you be mine?
you have to be mine cause i have no other.
so please love take the leap
and end up beside me like always.
my hand in yours
we will show the world that we are made for this
and today is not the only day we can show it.
so happy vanentines day my love.

p.s. im out of money.
so i made you a card instead.

its the thought that counts right.



i love him=)

one in a million right?

bff.
yeah. ok.
i am alone
as you are surrounded by the ones who will one day no longer matter.
picked last from the one of whom would be my first choice.

but its ok.
i like it that way.

its perfectly fine being the one person sitting by myself.
im content.



or so i think.
it wouldn't matter to you anyways.


God be with you.

one more.

this is the second one in like 5 minutes.
i exaggerate a little but thats ok.
i'm in 6th alone,
but i am perfectly content with it.
i am in despreate need for my bible.
i can not find it.
i take it everywhere,
and i have a memory similar to a goldfish...
not a good match.
i'm listening to this song that has an amazing piano playing in the background
but its being covered up by these people singing.
i think that the piano is ten million times better.
stupid people.
i really want to go home..
but there is definitly one more period to go.
i never do anything in that period anyways..
i might invest in a nap.
yesssssssss. that is what i will do.
so i am trying to get one of my friends to go with me to a singing with me this friday night,
because Saturday morning i am working at a breakfast at the school.
ughhhhhh.
8 in the morning.
not for little miss courtney.
i need to go to church.
i need to be surrounded by the people who share the same intrests and goals as me.
school is too filled with the things i want most to get away from.
trapped.
atleast our school isn't so strick that i can't bring my bible..
i couldn't go to a school like that.
God needs to be in schools.
why do you think there is so much violence?
i have 2 min.
gone so fast...
on to 7th

just some of the things.

maybe some of us need to become more compassionate and understanding.
maybe some of us need to focus more on others than ourselves.
i am definitly not talking about anyone specific here,
i am talking in general.
i need to
and so does everyone else.
we all have the faults that should keep us out of heaven,
but by the grace of God, our Hosanna, more than likely it won't if we pray right.

we should stay out of the drama that surrounds us,
and let go of the things that force us closer to the things of evil.

preaching to the choir isn't part of this.
everyone needs to think of other's feelings.

love one another.
loving someone is putting up with their nonsense.
even if it does make you mad.


if you think i am writing this about you... you are right.
this is about everyone.

Servant I Will Be

Matthew 10:39 " Whoever finds life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will find it"




God gives his son to die for you.
you dont think its that important right now.
God gives you all your needs and provides more than enough for you to be happy.
that doesnt impress you.
He gave you life.
so what, He takes it away too.
He is always and forever there for you.
yeah, thats what B.F.Fs are for. duhh.
He is the light.
you think you can already see.
He is your Father.
you think you already have one.
God gave his son for you, his son determines you eternity.
you dont plan that far ahead.
only through the grace of God will you not be tormented beyond this earth.
you think your a pretty good person, he will let you in anyways.
Romans 2:13 " for it is not the hearers of the law who are righteous before God, but the doers of the law who will be justified."
oh... so i have to do everything...?
only if you want mansion, robe, and a crown while stepping throught the pearly gates after God proclaims, "Well done my good and faithful servant"




we need to lose our lives to God.
we are His servants, and forever we will be.
we owe it all to Him.

and all He asks us to do is follow a few rules,
and if we mess up ask Him to forgive us

and mean it.


we are children of God.
the most valued thing anyone of us should hold.
let it shine.
we are Christians=)


God Bless

Whos at fault?

this morning was the time i woke up at complete peace and happiness.

excited that my mother was finally etting something that she truly deserves
i was attempting to help her find the best.


later did i find out that it was for my sister.
i was even more estatic.

searching for again the best.

...


so i was definitly kicked in the face for doing so(not literally)
blamed for parting the family that was never a whole to begin with.

so whos really at fault.?
obviously you dont really know te whole story,
but i can assure you
from the scene of depression,
i am not the one totally to blame.

?!.,;

every single day is supposedly the same.
well not today!!

today was an exception to that rule.
today had to have been classified as amazing...

in first i was asked the question
"what puncuation mark are you?"
i have no clue.


i think i'm a little bit of all.

question mark- inquizative. i think alot, more than the average human.
exclamation point- i'm exciting. i thrive off of craziness at weird moments.
period- i'm down to earth and pretty much straight forward with what i think.
comma- you never know whats next
quotation marks- i'm out spoken
semi-colon- unknown, laid back. not continuously moving like all of the other puncutations



so really i am a wole bunch of stuff combined in to a Courtney.

Firstdays...

day one.


the day we start the unknown
and venture to the routine that will remain.

better known as the beginning to the end,




or maybe thats just the way I see it.




perfection is key,
but certainly not a goal.




vanity is for the less confident
originality is for those who seek more.


consider yourself in between
conformed.






contentment is a virtue i would rather not become associated.

seeking beyond the limits of possibility is where i stand.



fear
is afraid of

f
a
l
l
i
n
g
.
.
.
.
.


that i am not.



getting up is my fear.







day one.

every ones vivid coloring,
truly dull.



the day that makes the difference.